A Likely Story Read online

  Produced by Al Haines

  A LIKELY STORY

  BY

  WILLIAM DE MORGAN

  LONDONWILLIAM HEINEMANN1911

  _All rights reserved_

  DEDICATED TOTHE SCIENTIFIC ENQUIRER

  CONTENTS

  CHAPTER I

  A good deal about a box of matches. Concerning a marriedcouple, whom anyone would have thought quarrelsome, tolisten to them. Of the difficulty with which the ladyhousekept, and how her husband was no help at all. Butthey went to the Old Water Colour. How Sairah onlyjust wiped gently over a tacky picture, and Mr. Aiken saidGod and Devil. Of the plural number. Of a very prettygirl, but dressy, and her soldier lover, and how Mrs. Aikenwas proper. Of her mystical utterance about the younglady. How Mr. Aiken sought for an explanation fromSairah, and created a situation. How his wife went to herAunt Priscilla, at Athabasca Villa, and cried herself tosleep

  CHAPTER II

  How a little old gentleman was left alone in a Library, in frontof the picture Sairah had only just wiped gently. How hewoke up from a dream, which went on. The loquacity ofa picture, and how he pointed out to it its unreality. TheArtist's name. There was plenty of time to hear more.The exact date of Antiquity. The Rational way ofaccounting for it

  CHAPTER III

  The Picture's tale. It was so well painted--that was why itcould hear four hundred years ago. How its painterhungered and thirsted for its original, and _vice versa_. Howold January hid in a spy-hole, to watch May, and saw itall. Of Pope Innocent's penetration. Of certain bells,unwelcome ones. How two _innamorati_ tried to part withouta kiss, and failed. Nevertheless assassins stopped it whenit had only just begun. But Giacinto got at January'sthroat. How the picture was framed, and hung where Maycould only see it by twisting. Of the dungeon below her,where Giacinto might be. How January dug at May witha walking-staff. How the picture was in abeyance, butloved a firefly; then was interred in furniture, and threecenturies slipped by. How it sold for six fifty, and wassent to London to a picture-restorer, which is how it comesinto the tale. How Mr. Pelly woke up

  CHAPTER IV

  A Retrospective Chapter. How Fortune's Toy and the Sport ofCircumstances fell in love with one of his Nurses. Prosecomposition. Lady Upwell's majesty, and the Queen's.No engagement. The African War, and JustifiableFratricide. Cain. Madeline's big dog Caesar. Cats. Ormuzdand Ahriman. A handy little Veldt. Madeline's Japanesekimono. A discussion of the nature of Dreams. Nevermind Athenaeus. Look at the Prophet Daniel. SirStopleigh's great-aunt Dorothea's twins. The CirculatingLibrary and the potted shrimps. How Madeline read themanuscript in bed, and took care not to set fire to thecurtains

  CHAPTER V

  Mr. Aiken's sequel. Pimlico Studios. Mr. Hughes's Idea.Aspects of Nature. Mr. Hughes's foot. What hadMr. Aiken been at. _Not_ Fanny Smith. It was Sairah!!Who misunderstood and turned vermilion? Her malice.The Regent's Canal. Mr. Aiken's advice from his friends.Woman and her sex. How Mr. Hughes visited Mr. Aikenone evening, and the Post came, with something too bigfor the box, while Mrs. Parples slept. Mr. Aiken's verysincerely Madeline Upwell. Her transparency. How thepicture's photo stood on the table. Interesting lucubrationsof Mr. Hughes. What was that? But it was nothing--onlyan effect of something. The Vernacular Mind. NegativeJuries. How Mr. Aiken stopped an echo, so it wasMr. Hughes's fancy

  CHAPTER VI

  Follows Mrs. Euphemia Aiken to Coombe and Maiden. Properpride. You cannot go back on a railway ticket, howeversmall its price. One's Aunts. How Miss Priscilla Baxwas not surprised when she heard it was Reginald. Of theUpas Tree of reputations--the Pure Mind. How AuntPrissy worked her niece up. Of the late Prince Regent, andTiberius. Never write a letter, if you want the wind to lull.Ellen Jane Dudbury and her mamma. Of Ju-jutsu as anantidote to tattle. Of the relative advantages ofImmorality to the two Sexes. Of good souls and busy bodies,and of the Groobs. How that odious little Dolly was theModern Zurbaran. But he had never so much as called.Colossians three-eighteen. Miss Jessie Bax and her puppy.Miss Volumnia Bax. The delicacy of the female character.Of the Radio-Activity of Space and how Mr. Adolphus Groobsat next to Mrs. Aiken. The Godfrey Pybuses. But theyhave nothing to do with the story. How Time slipped by,and how Mr. Aiken employed him till the year drew to an end

  CHAPTER VII

  The Upwell family in London. How Madeline promised not toget mixed up. A nice suburban boy, with a Two-PowerStandard. No Jack now! The silver teapot. MissPriscilla's extraction. Imperialism. Horace Walpole andJohn Bunyan. The Tapleys. How an item in the_Telegraph_ upset Madeline. How she failed in her mission,but left a photograph behind her. The late Lady BettyDuster's chin. How Mrs. Aiken stayed downstairs andwent to sleep in an arm-chair and of a curious experienceshe had. How she related the same to her cousin Volumnia.Of Icilia Ciaranfi and Donnina Magliabecchi, and of TheDust. The Psychomorphic Report. How Miss Volumniadid not lose her train

  CHAPTER VIII

  How Mrs. Euphemia Aiken found Madeline at home, whoconsequently did not go to a Bun-Worry. But she had metMiss Bax. How these ladies each confessed to Bogyism, ofa sort, and Madeline said make it up. How Mr. Aiken tookMr. Tick's advice about Diana, but could not find hisTransparent Oxide of Chromium. Man at his loneliest.No Tea. And what a Juggins he had been! Of Mrs.Gapp's dipsomania. The Boys. How Mr. Aiken lit thegas, and heard a cab. How he nearly kissed Madeline,who had brought his wife home, but it was only a mistake,glory be! _Was_ there soap in the house?

  CHAPTER IX

  Madeline's report, next morning. Charles Mathews and MadameVestris. How well Madeline held her tongue to keep herpromise. An anticipation of post-story time. How aDeputation waited on Mrs. Aiken from the Psychomorphic.Mr. MacAnimus and Mr. Vacaw. Gevartius much morecorrect for Miss Jessie to listen to than the LaughingCavalier. Of Self-hypnosis and Ghosts, their respectivecategories. The mad cat's nose outside the blanket. SingularAutophrenetic experience of Mr. Aiken. Stenography.A case in point. Not a Phenomenon at all. How MissVolumnia's penetration penetrated, and got at something.Suggestion traced home. Enough to explain anyPhenomenon

  CHAPTER X

  How Mr. Pelly, subject to interruption, read aloud a translationfrom Italian. Who was the Old Devil? Who was theDuchessa? Of the narrator's incarceration. Of hisincredible escape. Whose horse was that in the Avenue?How Mr. Pelly read faster. Was Uguccio killed? SirStopleigh scandalised. But then it was the MiddleAges--one of them, anyhow! How only Duchesses know if Dukesare asleep. Of the bone Mr. Pelly picked with Madeline.But what becomes of Unconscious Cerebration? AmbrosePare. Marta's little knife. Love was not unknown in theMiddle Ages. The end of the manuscript. But Sir Stopleighwent out to see a visitor, in the middle. How Madelineturned white, and went suddenly to bed. What was it allabout? Seventy-seven could wait

  CHAPTER XI

  How the picture spoke again. Abstract metaphysical questions,and no answers. How the Picture's memory was sharpened,and how Mr. Pelly woke up. Mr. Stebbings and Mrs. Buckmaster.The actule fax. Jack's resurrection, without anarm. Full particulars. All fair in love. How Mr. Pellyknew the picture could see all, and how Madeline had notgone to bed. Captain Maclagan's family. Fullerparticulars. General Fordyce and the Bart. not wanted.What the picture must have seen and may have thought.Good-bye to the story. Mere postscript